The Post-Partisan Emporium

           

  We're All Bags of Bitchy, Demanding Enzymes and that's okay. Don't overthink it. ALEX WASHBURNE My mom was a molecular biology professor and I was something of a delinquent skateboarding child on the school-to-prison pipeline. During my occasional bouts of suspension, I would go to my mom’s office for the day. Sometimes she’d put me to work cleaning glassware, other times I’d be plating yeast or counting cells on a hemocytometer to think about what I’d done. Occasionally, I’d be free to roam the department and, every time I was free, I went straight to Eric Toolson’s office. Eric Toolson is a legend in my mind. He is biology professor who looks and talks more like a Hells Angel. With long grey hair, sophisticated glasses and imposing facial hair, Eric would drive a Harley Davidson to work, occasionally swear like a sailor, but think and talk like philosopher. When the glassware was cleaned, the yeast plated, and the cells counted, I would roll up to Eric’s office with my ...

Go Away, We're Batin! LINH DINH [Jeff Koons’ “Jeff and Ilona” (Made in Heaven), 1990] Democratic Susanna Gibson is a candidate for the Virginia House of Delegates. A 40-year-old nurse, she’s married, with two children. Calling herself “hotwifeexperience,” Gibson has 5,700 followers on Chaturbate, a porn site featuring amateurs who strip, spread, masturbate or even have sex for tips. Choosing women, men, couples or trans, most viewers just watch for free. With her lawyer husband, Gibson performed on Chaturbate, to raise money “for a good cause,” which is true enough. It’s super expensive to secure a political office in America. Since you must sell your soul, why not pitch your ass, especially if it’s hot? Regrettably, Hillary Clinton or Elizabeth Warren doesn’t have this option, but who knows. Every body has admirers, if only ocularly, from several time zones away. Perhaps Mitch McConnell can give Chaturbate a try? In  Idiocracy , there’s a scene of Frito sitting in the dark, watchi...