It doesn't count as terrorism when Israel does it

Israel has a right to do whatever the hell it likes

In the latest edition of “Israel has a right to defend itself”, Israel intercepted a batch of pagers bound for Lebanon and turned them into bombs. Explosions went off around the suburbs of Beirut and injured about three thousand people, with 12 confirmed dead and hundreds suffering horrific injuries.

Cunningly, Israel did not detonate all of the pagers at once. It waited until the next day to detonate more during the funerals of the first round of victims. This is why the IDF is the world’s most moral army.

In a remarkable coincidence, the American University of Beirut Medical Center replaced the pagers of its doctors and staff two weeks ago, but the US explained it knew nothing about this. However, it said it totally supports Israel, if and when it claims responsibility for the brutal mass murder.

Everyone knows Israel has a right to defend itself by attacking first, but it can also resort to terrorist attacks because the other side are terrorists. Zionists might have a long track record of terrorism that includes attacks against the US, UK and Europe, but we’ve apologised to Israel many times and they are considering forgiving us.

Worryingly, the Lebanon pager attack has been condemned by do-gooders for indiscriminately killing “civilians”, or as we call them in the media, Hezbollah militants. Among the Hezbollah militants killed were four medical staff and two children. The Irish prime minister said the attack showed “wanton disregard” for civilian life in Lebanon to which Netanyahu replied: “What’s your point?”

The UN clarified that indiscriminate attacks violate international law because you can’t possibly know who was in possession of a pager at the time of detonation, but the UN has forgotten the part of international law where the US says: “Fuck you, we can veto the UN whenever we like!”

Celebrations erupted in Tel Aviv when news of the pager attack broke and Zionists on social media were quick to remind us: “There are no innocents in Lebanon”. This is totally a thing a normal society would say.

The exploding pager attack was so successful, Israel is hoping to extend this technology to laptops and mobile phones to punish wayward social media users. Polling data shows a majority of Brits have a negative view of Israel and Netanyahu is weighing up his options.

While the most sane and rational Israelis celebrated the bloodshed, others were concerned that attacks on Israel’s neighbours could drag their country into wars it can’t win. Thankfully, Netanyahu reassured the public he has ordered the US to fight on Israel’s behalf when Hezbollah launches its unprovoked retaliation. Israel can’t be expected to fight its own wars, can it?

Despite having the most advanced weaponry on earth, despite carpet-bombing the entire Gaza Strip for a year, the IDF is getting all it can handle from a few thousand men who were radicalised when Israel killed their children, and who are mostly armed with rocks and fire crackers. Imagine what would happen if Israel faced a real army. It would be a bit embarrassing, wouldn’t it?

In a surprise turn of events, one of Israel’s biggest warmongers, Yoav Gallant, has been fired from the war cabinet because he is not a big enough warmonger for Netanyahu’s liking. Only the most humongous of warmongers deserve a role in Israel’s war cabinet because Netanyahu is hoping to start the biggest war of all: World War III, or as we in the media call it: Bibi’s only chance of avoiding prison.

Just know that when World War III starts, everyone will be fighting because of Israel, apart from Israel. If you’re unlucky enough to be vaporised in a nuclear blast, at least you can spend your final microsecond consoled by the knowledge this happened for the very best of reasons x

Source: Normal Island News