The US and UK bomb Yemen to save shipping lanes and genocide

This was an incredible act of humanitarianism

LAURA K

Due to widespread concern that South Africa was going to stop a genocide at the International Court of Justice, the world’s best imperialists, the US and UK, have come to the rescue.

As lawyers spelled out the extent of Israel’s war crimes in court, our leaders said: “Oh, you like war crimes? We have plenty more where they come from. We literally invented war crimes!” and they started bombing the shit out of Yemen to create a massive diversion. You can forgive my excitement!

One political commentator, who is even better at bullshit than me, explained the Houthis pose a grave threat to working class sailors by not sinking a single vessel and promising to stop when Israel’s genocide stops.

In other words, if you don’t support war against one of the most impoverished nations on earth, it’s because you hate working class people! I’m confused by this logic because I support war and hate working class people. Why can’t it be both, Paul?

Yemen was the country that was getting the Palestine treatment before the Gaza genocide and they thought they’d escaped Saudi Arabia’s 7-year bombing campaign and the world’s worst famine that was entirely manmade, but then the empire realised it could do this all over again, so now we have two wars in the region, and if this thing goes according to plan, two famines.

Americans have to crowdfund for cancer treatment and British people pull their own teeth out with pliers, but do you know what the working class in Britain and America is asking for? Two fucking famines!

This latest war that no one voted for makes total sense because ships are going to be even more reluctant to travel trough the Red Sea and insurance rates are going to go through the roof.

Who likes inflation? Because we’re about to get a whole lot more inflation when this thing gets going! It’s not just the middle-east that’s going to be experiencing famine, it’s us!

This is how you make the world a better place - by bombing civilians to punish them for crimes they never committed and wrecking your own economy to send a message to the people who think genocide is bad, they could be next. You do not fuck with the death machine of the empire because it can come for you at any moment.

Here is what the rest of the world does: it sits and wonders when it’s going to be their turn for the imperialist death machine to come for them. We are such a stabilising influence on the global stage. This is why we get to lecture resource-rich countries on human rights the moment our latest war comes to an end.

Saudi Arabia’s 7-year bombing campaign against Yemen achieved absolutely nothing from a strategic point of view, but the people who supplied the bombs had a steady stream of income and western politicians got enough backhanders to buy their mistresses expensive gifts.

This is why I love capitalism: it financially incentivises the most constructive and socially responsible behaviours because the market always knows best. No other system is more efficient at transferring money into the rockets, I mean pockets of rich people. It just requires ongoing human sacrifices and is fuelled by the screams of dying children.

If you have a business model that is dependent on continuous bloodshed, it makes total sense to ensure you incentivise politicians to continue the bloodshed. I don’t know about you, but I’m thrilled the public don’t think they can vote for anyone other than murderous psychopaths.

It’s heartwarming to know I live in the heart of imperialism and the people who could make it less evil are so brainwashed, they boast about voting for the lesser of two evils. This is where propagandists like me play a key role. I provide a public service by saying whatever politicians want me to say and pretending it’s journalism.

All decent people (the military industrial complex and the politicians it has corrupted) agree that protecting shipping lanes is just as important as bombing civilians. The weapons manufacturers are feeling like it’s Christmas all over again. They’re popping Champagne corks and yelling: “We’re gonna get rich… Uh, even richer!”

A spokesperson for the war machine called John Kirby said: “We’re thinking of bombing Iran, Syria, maybe even Turkey, and definitely the Hague if they come to the wrong decision. The best case scenario would be a regional war that rapidly spirals into World War Three.

“Sure, we will all die violent deaths and the biosphere will be destroyed, apart from subterranean microbial life, but at least we’ll be richer than God for the final milliseconds of human existence!”

When it was pointed out this might be going a bit too far, Kirby said: “What else could we do? The humanitarian situation is horrible. Shipping lanes are having their limbs amputated without anaesthetic and facing the world’s worst food insecurity while their homes are destroyed. Why don’t you care about the shipping lanes?”

The nervous journalist mumbled: “Maybe we could call for a ceasefire instead of starting another war,” and Kirby burst out laughing as police dragged the journalist away for supporting Hamas. The last thing any sensible person would consider is not doing genocide.

Source: Normal Island News